Now here’s something to think about: chances are you and I aren’t ever going to be one of the greats, one of those all-star types, one of those legends. Make-your-mama proud type of guys. Never. It feels like a dagger to the heart, I know. “Never.” It hurts. But listen: don’t let that discourage you. […]


I once bought a lottery as a threat towards God. “God!” I said. “Listen to me! Either this is the winning ticket, or I’ll kill myself. I swear I will. I swear it! Either you make me the winner, or I’ll kill myself!” And I was serious, too.      Well God called my bluff. When the […]


Why is it every time I hear about how someone’s fallen into depression, I can’t help but think they’ll climb back out? Why does depression seem so beatable from the outside? Why does it look so easy to overcome? Whenever someone tells me they’re battling depression, I can’t help but secretly clap for them. I […]


I love the first hour of the day. I even love the first two hours of the day. I eat breakfast, I catch up on the news. If I’m ambitious, I work on whatever little project fulfills me.      It’s every other hour that’s the problem. If a day were four hours long…! I’d get a […]


You know what’s wrong with this country? Every four years, there has to be an election. Just has to. That means whether two saints or two dipshits are running, one of them has to be elected. Well wouldn’t it be something else if the people said, “No?” If they actually had the balls to say […]


This happened at the grocery store:      I was inches away from the bag of oats when a woman rushed towards me, shrieks and arms flailing. “It’s you!” she screeched. “Oh thank you! Thank you for the other day! Thank you!”      It took me a moment to recognize her. But only a moment.      Just the other […]


Oh, friends! What if I’m too stupid to live this life?      Back in those peasant days–those days of hoes and beans–if you were stupid, you were surrounded by stupid. You were a peasant in the midst of other peasants. You fit right in and looked plenty intelligent enough. At least in comparison, you did. Ol’ […]


The shell of the nut matters as long as there’s a core. Having successfully delivered the gold, however, it is thrown away. Despised, even. There’s the response, then, you’re looking for. “Why read fiction when I can learn about things that have actually happened?” Because certain truths need their fairies to supply the message.